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प्रवीण कुमार झा का व्यंग्य ‘मिक्स्ड डबल’

पिछले दिनों युवा लेखक प्रवीण कुमार झा की किताब आई ‘चमनलाल की डायरी’. इस पर लेखक का नाम वामा गांधी है. वे इसी नाम से शायद ब्लॉग लिखा करते थे. बहरहाल, यह किताब अपने आप में सेल्फ पब्लिशिंग का अच्छा उदाहरण है. बिना किसी प्रचार-प्रसार के महज पाठकों और दोस्तों के फेसबुक स्टेटस के आधार पर यह किताब अच्छी बिक रही है. इस किताब ने यह दिशा दिखाई है कि अगर आपके लेखन में जोर है तो बड़े प्रकाशकों का मोहताज होने की कोई जरुरत नहीं है. हिंदी में अच्छा, अलग पढने वाले अभी भी हैं. लेखक को अपने लेखन पर भरोसा होना चाहिए और साहस. फिलहाल, उसी किताब से एक प्रतिनिधि व्यंग्य, जो मुझे बहुत पसंद है- प्रभात रंजन 
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दुनिया की सबसे बेरहम जगह लोग कहते हैं अमरीका ने ग्वाटेमाला बे में बना रखी है. वहाँ का तो कुछ खास अनुभव नहीं पर दावे के साथ कह सकता हूँ ९० की दशक में बिहार रोडवेज के बस की आखिरी सीट कुछ कम नहीं थी. कूल्हों को उछाल-उछाल कर झटके देते तो कभी दायें-बायें रगड़ कर लाल कर देते. ये अप्राकृतिक बलात्कार हर रोज उन सड़कों पर होता. किस्मत ऐसी, कि अक्सरहाँ लोग धकिया कर वहीं पिछली सीट पर भेज देते. रूमाल या गमछा न हो तो अपनी सीट बचती कहाँ थी
ऐसी ही एक बस में ज्यादा नहीं, कुछ १०-२० किलोमीटर का सफर तय कर रहा था. सफर भले ही छोटी लगे, औसतन ३-४ घंटे लगते थे. काफी संभल कर खिड़की की तरफ बैठा था. जब भी गड्ढे आते, झट से खड़ा हो जाता. पहले घंटे लगभग ३०-४० दफे उठ-बैठ की, तो हिम्मत हार गया. 
गड्ढे ही गड्ढे थे, रोड का नामों निशां नहीं. ओम पुरी जी के गालों में तो फिर भी काफी कम हैं, ये तो चाइनीज चेकर की भांति एक गड्ढे से दूसरे गड्ढे की दौड़ थी. मैंने भी कमर कस ली. अब घिसे तो घिसे, जो होगा देखा जाएगा. वो किसी फिल्म का डायलॉग है न, “तोहफा कबूल करें जहाँ पनाह!” 
नींद का तो खैर प्रश्न ही नहीं था, इधर-उधर झांकने लगा. 
दृश्य बड़ा अटपटा था. दो अधेड़ पुरूष एक दूसरे की मटमैली धोती में हाथ डाले हस्त-मैथुन कर रहे थे. 
एक तो बस के झटकों ने यूँ ही पेट में हिलोड़े ला दिये थे, ऊपर से ये घृणित कुकर्म दृश्य. बाकी रस्ते बस खिड़की से उल्टी करते गया.
ये दृश्य धीरे-धीरे आम होने लगे. कभी पुरूष या महिला छात्रावास के बंद कमरों में, तो कभी खुलेआम ट्रेन या बस में. समलैंगिकता काफी सुलभ थी, और प्राकृतिक यौन संबंध उतनी ही दुर्लभ. 
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जब जवानी का जुनून आया, तो देखा किताबों में फंस कर सेहत आधी हो गयी थी. हड्डियां लगभग गिनी जा सकती थी. कभी वर्जिश की ही नहीं. आत्मग्लानि में जिम की सदस्यता तो ले ली लेकिन पहलवानों को देख दुबक गया. सदस्यता की फीस बेवजह बरबाद हो रही थी, और डंबल-शंबल की दुनिया से भय हो रहा था. 
जिम जाने की हिम्मत नहीं जुटा पा रहा था. इसे कुछ लोग मध्यवर्गीय मानसिकता भी कह सकते हैं. जो पहले किसी चीज को दुकान में देख ललचाते हैं, फिर पैसे जमा करते हैं. लेकिन दुकान तक जाने की हिम्मत नहीं होती कि दुकानदार हुड़क न दे. फिर दुकान की रेकी करते हैं कि कब भीड़ कम होगी और कम ज़हमत होगी. क्या पता दाम बढ़ गये हों? मँहगाई का कुछ भरोसा नहीं. ५००-१००० रूपए तो संभाल लूँगा. चलो, कुछ छोटी चीज लेने के बहाने जाता हूँ. आखिर जब मिशन पूरा होता, तो उसे ट्रॉफी की तरह घर लेकर आते. चाहे कलर टी.वी. हो या कैरमबोर्ड, मुहल्ले वालों को बताते और रौब जमाते. 
इसी रणनीति से दो-चार दिन चुपके से जिम की रेकी कर एक वक्त का पता लगा जब जिम खाली-खाली सा होता.
आखिर जिम की शुरूआत हो ही गई. भारी-भरकम ताम-झाम था. थोड़ी देर उछल-कूद कर आखिर एक हल्का सा डंबल उठाया. आईने में डंबल को ऊपर-नीचे करते अपने आप को देख रहा था और खुश हो रहा था. जिम में ये एक खासियत है. आईने इतने लगे होते हैं कि खुद को देख-देख कर आत्मप्रेम दुगुना हो जाता है. थोड़ी ही देर में शर्ट उतार बनियान में अा गया, और अपने मिनी साइज डोले-शोले देख कर लगा कि बदन में कुछ हरकत हो रही है. 
तभी एक मॉडल टाईप हट्टा-कट्टा लड़का जिम में दाखिल हुआ. किताबी मांसपेशी वाला गठीला शरीर. उसके सामने डंबल उठाये मैं बहुत बड़ा नमूना लग रहा था. मैंने फटाफट डंबल रखा, कपड़े पहने और जिम से निकलकर खिड़की से छुपकर उसे देखने लगा. दो-चार दिन ये सिलसिला चला, फिर एक दिन हीनभावना त्याग कर उससे गुरू बनने का अनुरोध कर डाला. 
ये व्यायामशाला या जिम एक पंथ या cult है. इनकी अलग अपनी दुनिया है, जो बाकी दुनिया को नमूना समझती है. इस पंथ का हर इंसान दूसरे को पंथ में शामिल करने की पुरजोर कोशिश करता है. उसने अपना नाम माइकल बताया, और मुझे खाने-पीने की योजना से लेकर जिम में कसरत का रूटीन तक सब बता डाला. हफ्ते में एक दिन बाँह और हाथ की कसरत, एक दिन छाती, एक दिन कंधे और पीठ, और एक दिन बस टांगे. खूब सारा प्रोटीन. ६-६ अंडे रोज और सिर्फ अंडे का सफेद हिस्सा. हर रोज एक नयी सलाह देता और खूब सारी कसरत कराता. एक हफ्ते में ही दम निकल गया. बदन जैसे अकड़ सी गयी और जिन-जिन हिस्सों में मांस जाकर हड्डियों से मिलते, वहां बेतहाशा टीस हो रही थी. जैसे अब उखड़ा, तब उखड़ा. अगले हफ्ते जाने की हिम्मत न पड़ी. रोबोट की भांति टांगे हल्की फैला कर चलता, वही जैसे अप्राकृतिक बलात्कार हो गया हो.
पर ये जिम पंथी भी बड़े घाघ होते हैं. दोस्तों के साथ चाय-सुट्टा पी रहा था, कि देखता हूँ एक बुलेटनुमा मोटरसाईकल से उतर कर एक भारी-भरकम हेल्मेटधारी मेरी तरफ चला आ रहा है. माइकल को देख ऐसे सिहर गया जैसे स्कूल प्रिंसिपल नें क्लास बंक करते पकड़ लिया हो, और अब कान ऐंठ कर मुर्गा बनाएगा. मैनें अग्रिम क्षमा-याचना की और उसने बड़े दिल से माफ कर दिया. उसने ये भी समझाया कि इस दर्द और अकड़न का इलाज व्यायाम ही है, व्यायाम से भागना नहीं. ये तो पुरानी गाड़ी स्टार्ट करते वक्त की घरघराहट है जो कुछ देर चलने के बाद खत्म हो जायेगी. धीरे-धीरे मेहनत रंग लाने लगी. छाती चौड़ी होती जा रही थी, और टी-शर्ट की बाँहे कस सी गयी थी. असर भी दिख रहा था. जो लड़कियाँ पहले दूर छिटकती थी, अब किसी न किसी बहाने चिपकने लगी. पर जैसे पौरूष और अकड़ एक दूसरे के पर्याय हैं. पहले जुबां में एक भीरूता थी, अब लड़कियों से भी ऐसे बात करता जैसे बच्चन साब का डॉयलाग बोल रहा हूँ. उन दिनों चिकने चॉकलेटी लड़के ज्यादा चल रहे थे, और मैं चॉकलेट से अखरोट बनता जा रहा था. 
व्यायामशाला यूँ तो आधुनिक उपकरणों से सुसज्जित थी पर माइकल ने इतवार को मालिश सेशन का न्यौता दे डाला. ये सब तो गामा पहलवान के अखाड़े वगैरा में सुना था. भई मुझे नहीं करवानी मालिश-वालिश. खैर मैं यूँ ही व्यायामशाला का चक्कर लगाने निकल पड़ा. कयास ठीक ही लगाया था. अखाड़े वाला माहौल था. सारे अर्धनग्न लेटे थे, और एक दूसरे के ऊपर तेल चपोड़ मालिश कर रहे थे. एक मांसपेशी को पूरी गोलाई में मालिश करते. छातियों से जांघों तक. घुटनों से टखनों तक. माइकल ने कहा कि इससे अकड़ बिल्कुल खत्म हो जाएगी और मांसपेशियां उभर कर आएगी. मैंनें मजाकिया लहजे में मना किया कि भई ये मर्दाना रोमांस मुझसे न होगा. यह सुनकर माइकल हँसा नहीं, बल्कि आंखे तन गई और पलट कर मालिश की देख-रेख करने लगा. मैंने शायद कुछ ऐसा किया था, जिसे अंग्रेजी मुहावरों में बेल्ट की नीचे प्रहार कहते हैं. 
बरसों बाद कुछ ऐसी ही मालिश मैंने भी करवाई गोवा के एक हाई-फाई स्पा में. एक चिंकी उत्तर-पूर्व की महिला ने अंधेरे कमरे में  शास्त्रीय संगीत बजा कर पूरे शरीर पर मालिश करी. अजी रोंगटे खड़े हो गये थे. यूँ तो शेख-चिल्ली बना फिरता था, लेकिन अर्धनग्न लेटा अनजानी महिला के साथ असहाय महसूस कर रहा था. मसाज समाप्त होते ही राम-राम तौबा-तौबा करता भागा.
माइकल ने जिम में अपना वक्त बदल लिया था, और मेरा संपर्क टूट गया. परीक्षा निकट आ गये तो कसरत भी बंद कर दी. 
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एक समस्या जो मेरे साथ हमेशा रही कि हॉस्टल मेस का खाना कभी नहीं भाया. कहते हैं मैकडॉनल्ड्स के बर्गर सदियों से बदले नहीं. अपनी उत्तमता बरकरार रखी है. इस मिसाल में भी भारतीय मेस कुछ कम नहीं. एक ही खाने का मीनू साल-दर-साल. हालांकि सुना है देश के कई संस्थानों में लजीज मेस भी हैं. बैंग्लूरू के ईंडियन ईंस्टीच्यूट ऑफ साइंस एक रिसर्च के सिलसिले में गया था. प्रयोगशाला से ज्यादा समय कैंटीन में लाजवाब डोसे खाते बिताये. मैंने ही क्या, बाकियों ने कौन सा नोबेल जीत लिया? सबके सब डोसे गटक रहे हैं बस. खैर उनसे कोई बैर नहीं. खाए पीए ऐश करें अपनी बला से. मैंने भी कई जुगत लगाए. भाँति-भाँति के डब्बे वालों का खाना आजमाया. पर आखिर सुई अटकी एक सरदार जी के ढाबेनुमा मेस पे. 
सरदारनी साक्षात् अन्नपूर्णा थी. खाने वाले का दिल भाँप लेती. या यूँ कहिये, जो भी बनाती उसी पे दिल आ जाता. उनकी ननद यानी सरदार जी की विधवा बहन उनका साथ देती. अप्रतिम सुंदर. उम्र का तो अंदाजा नहीं पर नयी नवेली शादी हुई थी और पति कारगिल युद्ध में शहीद हो गया. ठीक-ठीक हिसाब लगाऊँ तो तीस के आस-पास की होगी. थोड़ी घनिष्ठता हुई, तो कहा पेंशन के पैसे ससुराल भेज देती है, और यहाँ भाई-भाभी का हाथ बँटा देती है. मन भी लगा रहता है और जिम्मेदारी से भी मुँह नहीं मोड़ती. आर्मी वाले के विधवा के लिये प्रेम उमड़ना देशद्रोह से कम नहीं था, लेकिन फिर भी उनमें एक खिंचाव सा जरूर था. वो फुलके लाकर प्लेट पे डालती और मैं बस खाता चला जाता. 
सरदारजी शाम से दारू पीने बैठ जाते, और हमारे खाते-खाते घुलट जाते. कभी कभार गुस्से में सरदारनी को थप्पड़ भी सबके सामने जड़ देते. ऐसा लगता जैसे हमारी देवी पर असुर ने हमला कर दिया. खून खौल जाता, लेकिन कुछ करने की हिम्मत नहीं होती. गुस्से को फुलकों के साथ निगल जाता. वो थपड़ाते रहे और हम बेशर्मों की तरह खाते रहे. धीरे धीरे ये स्त्री-शोषन भी एक मनोरंजन बन गया. रोज खाते वक्त इस रोमांच का इंतजार करते. रोम के ग्लैडिएटर एरिना की भांति. पौरूष शक्ति का प्रदर्शन और सुंदर भरी पूरी विधवा के दर्शन. इस पाश्विक आनंद में जानवर बनता जा रहा था. शायद मानसिकता इस कदर गिर गयी कि पढ़ाई खत्म होते ही सरदारजी के घर के सामने कमरा ले लिया. अब तो रोज सुंदरी को खिड़कियों से झांकता.
ऐसी ही एक रात खिड़कियों से वो दृश्य देखा जो पहले छुप-छुप कर सतरंगी फिल्मों में ही देखा था. सरदारजी बरामदे पर नशे में धुत्त पड़े थे और दोनों महिलायें अंधेरे में प्रेमपाश में बंधी थी. हल्की सी नाईट-लाईट में दो नग्न शरीर. बड़े-बड़े राजघरानों के हरेम की कहानीयाँ पढ़ी थी. नींद उड़ गई. बस करवटें बदलता रहा. बिहार के खटारा बस में अधेड़ पुरूषों के घिनौनेपन से इन सुंदरियों की रंगलीला में कितना फर्क था? बस ये निर्णय नहीं कर पा रहा था कि मुझमें और इनमें, भला मानसिकता किसकी ज्यादा विकृत थी
वो कमरा भी त्याग दिया और सरदार जी का ढाबा भी. 
……..
 
      

About Prabhat Ranjan

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तन्हाई का अंधा शिगाफ़ : भाग-10 अंतिम

आप पढ़ रहे हैं तन्हाई का अंधा शिगाफ़। मीना कुमारी की ज़िंदगी, काम और हादसात …

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